Dr. Harvey Karp, author of “The Happiest Baby on the Block”, says it’s all about understanding their psychology:

For instance, a toddler throwing a tantrum over a cookie might wail, “I want it. I want it. I want cookie now.�

Often, a parent will adopt a soothing tone saying, “No, honey, you have to wait until after dinner for a cookie.�

Such a response will, almost certainly, make matters worse. “It’s loving, logical and reasonable,� notes Dr. Karp. “And it’s infuriating to a toddler. Now they have to say it over harder and louder to get you to understand.�

Apparently toddler’s don’t give us the credit we deserve. Go figure. Dr. Karp claims that the way to overcome this problem is to speak in “toddler-ese”. Since the source of their frustration is that the kid doesn’t think his message is getting through, you need to use his same language to establish your understanding, before you get around to saying “no”.

“You want. You want. You want cookie. You say, ‘Cookie, now. Cookie now.’ �

It’s hard to imagine an adult talking like this in a public place. But Dr. Karp notes that this same form of “active listening� is a method adults use all the time. The goal is not simply to repeat words but to make it clear that you hear someone’s complaint. “If you were upset and fuming mad, I might say, ‘I know. I know. I know. I get it. I’m really really sorry. I’m sorry.’ That sounds like gibberish out of context,� he says.

On his DVD, Dr. Karp demonstrates the method. Within seconds, teary-eyed toddlers calm and look at him quizzically as he repeats their concerns back at them. Once the child has calmed, a parent can explain the reason for saying no, offer the child comfort and a happy alternative to the original demand.

This makes sense to me. Now I need to have a kid and see if it works. Science!